I want people to understand how horrible - terrible these books are: truly, and honestly just plain bad. Stephanie Meyer just doesn't write well, and I guess her editors are third graders. . . Or giraffes? I don't know how these books could land on the shelves, but they have, and they are filled with a copious amount of glaring and awful mistakes.
Now, I'm not going to go through all the mistakes, because, I just didn't bother to read the books, and didn't really watch all the Twi-movies, and that's because I didn't want to risk having a heart attack. But as far as I know, I think the plot is pretty damn boring to tears―fall-asleep-reading-it-boring.
On second thought. . . there is NO plot actually. O.e ßtwitch.
Honestly, you can summarize the whole series in one sentence: A girl falls in love with a vampire, who she winds up with together forever despite a few minor discrepancies.That's it, really. The rest is fluffy, boring filler. The "climax" takes place in the last two chapters of the books and has nothing to do with the preceding 400 pages. The "conflict" is resolved far too easily.
I want to take this opportunity to present Stephanie Meyer with a gift. It's a simple plot graph:
See, Steph? there needs to be a balance of rising action and falling action, squeezin' in a giant, juicy mount in the plot. I learned this in first grade, and have written quite a few stories since then, using this as my guide. If you use this as a tool for your future books, I'm sure you will not have hundreds of websites/ blogs dedicated to the hate of your story: Twilight.
Another way to summarize the whole thing:
Bella: I’m an annoying Mary-sue who hates everything about the place I moved to! I don’t know why I bothered moving in with my dad. [insert angry face here]
Charlie: Yo, wuzzup? I got you a truck, ‘cause I'm awesome like that.
Bella: Oh I hate you, I hate this place, I hate my life, and I hate the bird droppings that I call my brain!
Charlie: 'kay, cool. Now, leave me alone. I want to watch baseball.
[School Day]
Charlie: Yo, wuzzup? I got you a truck, ‘cause I'm awesome like that.
Bella: Oh I hate you, I hate this place, I hate my life, and I hate the bird droppings that I call my brain!
Charlie: 'kay, cool. Now, leave me alone. I want to watch baseball.
[School Day]
Bella: I hate it here. Humph. [What an unexpected surprise.]
Every guy in the school: OMG, You’re so hot! Marry me.
Bella: Ewww! No, you’re nasty.
Jessica: HEY, WE GO TO THE SAME CLASSES.
Bella: OMG, who is the god-like man sitting there with all the other pretty people!
Jessica: That's Edward Cullen.
Bella: I love him!
[Insert bored-to-death-and-is-about-to-throw-up face here]
Every guy in the school: OMG, You’re so hot! Marry me.
Bella: Ewww! No, you’re nasty.
Jessica: HEY, WE GO TO THE SAME CLASSES.
Bella: OMG, who is the god-like man sitting there with all the other pretty people!
Jessica: That's Edward Cullen.
Bella: I love him!
[Insert bored-to-death-and-is-about-to-throw-up face here]
Edward: I hate you, you snob.
Bella: NO FAIR! *emowhine*
[No plot line at all - more boring crap load]
Bella: NO FAIR! *emowhine*
[No plot line at all - more boring crap load]
Bella: *is about to die*
Edward: *Saves Bella*
Bella: OMG, u saved me!!!!!!!!!!!111111oneoneoneone!!!!111!!.
Edward: Meh, don’t talk to me, get in the ambulance. I still hate you, you're still a snob. I just didn’t want you to die. [What the hell sense does that make?]
Edward: *Saves Bella*
Bella: OMG, u saved me!!!!!!!!!!!111111oneoneoneone!!!!111!!.
Edward: Meh, don’t talk to me, get in the ambulance. I still hate you, you're still a snob. I just didn’t want you to die. [What the hell sense does that make?]
[Later on]
Bella: *Almost gets kidnapped while dress shopping* [WHAT THE HELL?]
Bella: *Almost gets kidnapped while dress shopping* [WHAT THE HELL?]
Edward: *saves again*
Bella: JACOB TOLD ME YOU ARE A VAMPIRE!!!!!!
Edward: Yep, I’m a vampire, and I decided I love you.
Bella: Finally! *Cha-ching!*
Edward: You should hate me, Bella. I’m dangerous. And I sparkle.
Bella: So? I’m a Mary-sue, and I don’t listen to rules, because I’m $%#@* hardcore. RAWR! Wait. . .you sparkle? *laughs on the inside*
Edward: I’ll show you someday.
[Insert continuous lack of plot here]
Alice: Sup, I can see the future - you're gonna die, gurl.
[Insert more lovey-dovey-Edward/Bella here]
Edward: Alice saw it storming. *silence* let’s go play baseball!
Bella: lol, wut?
[Cullen family plays baseball vampire style, woohoo. -_-']
Three random-weird-looking vampires: Vuzzup G? Hey, I see you brought food, how nice of you.
Cullen’s: No! She’s with us. *in a firm tone.*
James: Oh well, she smells tasty I’m 'onna hunt 'er! *orange (supposed to be red) eyes.*
Bella: Trust me I taste way worse than I smell. *hides face with a baseball bat.*
James: *Finds her house and attracts her there.*
Bella: EEEEP!
James: lol, you were stupid enough to come. *almost kills her*
[Later on]
Bella: Oh hey, look! I survived, all thanks to my one true love, Edward! Oh no *British accent*, mah leg is broken.
Edward: Hello girl I am so in love with I would do anything for! Your mother's here.
Bella’s mother: I think that boy might be in love with you. *Pssh. Stating the obvious. Like Bella didn't know that*
Bella: Yep, I love him too! OMG, lol, we’re soul mates!!!!! *too many '!'s*
[Even Later]
Bella: Oh, Shoot! You’re taking me to prom!? How could I not realize that Alice dressing me up in a fancy designer dress and doing my hair and makeup on the day of the prom could mean that! Total surprise! But wait, I’m only a junior. Why the Hell am I even going to prom?!
Edward: I love you, let's dance.
Bella: I can’t dance. Lol, let's go have a sappy-cliché moment outside instead.
Edward: Okay. *sparkles* (He didn't actually sparkle, but hell; I bet he might as well have.)
Bella: JACOB TOLD ME YOU ARE A VAMPIRE!!!!!!
Edward: Yep, I’m a vampire, and I decided I love you.
Bella: Finally! *Cha-ching!*
Edward: You should hate me, Bella. I’m dangerous. And I sparkle.
Bella: So? I’m a Mary-sue, and I don’t listen to rules, because I’m $%#@* hardcore. RAWR! Wait. . .you sparkle? *laughs on the inside*
Edward: I’ll show you someday.
[Insert continuous lack of plot here]
Alice: Sup, I can see the future - you're gonna die, gurl.
[Insert more lovey-dovey-Edward/Bella here]
Edward: Alice saw it storming. *silence* let’s go play baseball!
Bella: lol, wut?
[Cullen family plays baseball vampire style, woohoo. -_-']
Three random-weird-looking vampires: Vuzzup G? Hey, I see you brought food, how nice of you.
Cullen’s: No! She’s with us. *in a firm tone.*
James: Oh well, she smells tasty I’m 'onna hunt 'er! *orange (supposed to be red) eyes.*
Bella: Trust me I taste way worse than I smell. *hides face with a baseball bat.*
James: *Finds her house and attracts her there.*
Bella: EEEEP!
James: lol, you were stupid enough to come. *almost kills her*
[Later on]
Bella: Oh hey, look! I survived, all thanks to my one true love, Edward! Oh no *British accent*, mah leg is broken.
Edward: Hello girl I am so in love with I would do anything for! Your mother's here.
Bella’s mother: I think that boy might be in love with you. *Pssh. Stating the obvious. Like Bella didn't know that*
Bella: Yep, I love him too! OMG, lol, we’re soul mates!!!!! *too many '!'s*
[Even Later]
Bella: Oh, Shoot! You’re taking me to prom!? How could I not realize that Alice dressing me up in a fancy designer dress and doing my hair and makeup on the day of the prom could mean that! Total surprise! But wait, I’m only a junior. Why the Hell am I even going to prom?!
Edward: I love you, let's dance.
Bella: I can’t dance. Lol, let's go have a sappy-cliché moment outside instead.
Edward: Okay. *sparkles* (He didn't actually sparkle, but hell; I bet he might as well have.)
********
Lastly, I would like to post a letter to all those Twilight fans out there, so here it goes...
Dear Twilight-ers,
Okay, fine, so you like Twilight. I get it. Now for the love of everything nice in this forsaken universe! Stop plaguing the internet with a gaziillion notes, MS Paint signs, ect... dedicated to your love of it. Stop shoving Twilight down my throat on every website I visit. Just Cut. It. Out. If I see another Facebook Bumper Sticker about Twilight, I will scream and bang my head against the wall.
And please, please, please, I'm begging you, stop talking about Edward or/and Jacob. You want to meet a guy like Edward? Seriously? He's not even real, people. He's just character in a book. I promise you, no matter how much you whine, you will never, ever, ever find a perfect and sparkly 107-year-old vampire who will fall in love with the scent of your blood, and frankly, I think you're really odd for even wanting that in the first place. Really, though, just stop. Edward is not real and you're annoying the rest of us.
Also, could you please stop comparing Twilight to the Harry Potter series? I mean it. Lyk fo' se-ri-ous. Harry Potter is way better than Twilight on so many levels, and that's not even just a personal opinion. Nobody could deny the fact that the plot of the Harry Potter series is just so much more developed, and it's just an enjoyable read for all ages. Harry Potter has lasting impressions on everybody that reads it... for YEARS! Twilight will be forgotten in the next two years, folks.
Okay, fine, so you like Twilight. I get it. Now for the love of everything nice in this forsaken universe! Stop plaguing the internet with a gaziillion notes, MS Paint signs, ect... dedicated to your love of it. Stop shoving Twilight down my throat on every website I visit. Just Cut. It. Out. If I see another Facebook Bumper Sticker about Twilight, I will scream and bang my head against the wall.
And please, please, please, I'm begging you, stop talking about Edward or/and Jacob. You want to meet a guy like Edward? Seriously? He's not even real, people. He's just character in a book. I promise you, no matter how much you whine, you will never, ever, ever find a perfect and sparkly 107-year-old vampire who will fall in love with the scent of your blood, and frankly, I think you're really odd for even wanting that in the first place. Really, though, just stop. Edward is not real and you're annoying the rest of us.
Also, could you please stop comparing Twilight to the Harry Potter series? I mean it. Lyk fo' se-ri-ous. Harry Potter is way better than Twilight on so many levels, and that's not even just a personal opinion. Nobody could deny the fact that the plot of the Harry Potter series is just so much more developed, and it's just an enjoyable read for all ages. Harry Potter has lasting impressions on everybody that reads it... for YEARS! Twilight will be forgotten in the next two years, folks.
With love,
Me.
That was it for the day. I'll be back soon.
Laterz.
No comments:
Post a Comment